Operation scatter the Wedding!
I just had a very terrible night.
It seemed like instead of this mini hellhole, I was sleeping in a jungle filled with wild, voracious mosquitoes. The damned vicious things had devoured me like they’d not seen human blood in all their miserable lives. I can even still feel their sting on my poor skin. Mtcheew! This is really a nightmare.
Oh well, back to the story I know you are all really here for. Oh yes, I know most of you don’t care about. Judging me, right? Well, no matter. Back to the story. Let’s go to the wedding day.
Yeah, you heard me, the wedding day. So I guess you don’t need a native doctor to tell you that my astonished “WHAT!” did me no good whatsoever.
Instead it’d nearly earned me some really bad points as our over-smiling yellow pawpaw Daniella had cried out with joy and excitement, “Oh Mummy that is such good news, I’m so happy for you.” And had dashed off as if fire was on her silly ass, to hug her mum and then my daddy, smiling and saying to him, “Uncle, I’m happy for you too.”
My treacherous father had of course hugged her back, saying, “thank you, my dear daughter.” All the while looking at me with sad disappointed eyes.
My daughter kè? They are yet to get married and she is already his daughter? There and then, I knew this was WAR. And it was not a question of survival of the fittest. It was a conquer and destroy all your enemies at all cost war.
And we all know who my enemies are, right? Aunty and Daniella. You guys are so on point!
And I did of course fight valiantly like a soldier defending his country. I was after all defending my territory.
To begin with, I quickly switched my, “WHAT!” to “Oh my God, what a pleasant surprise.” I needed to win back my father ASAP.
Of course the old man had eyed me doubtfully. “You didn’t sound like it was a pleasant surprise.” He frowned.
“Daddy, that’s because I was really amazed when I first heard it… but now…” I approached him, a huge smile on my face, nudging aside daddy-snatcher Daniella, I sat down on his laps. I am still his only daughter. “I think it’s such great news. I’m happy daddy, but not just for you, for me too.” I gave him a hug and a peck on the cheek, like he’d just given me the greatest gift ever. “You are giving me a new mother.”
He still looked a little unconvinced but I could see the small smile and the pleased look in his eyes. Well done, Adaeze.
Then I proceeded to smiling Aunty I-want-to-be-your-stepmother and bending over, I hugged her too. “Aunty, welcome to our family.”
Of course daddy-snatcher Daniella had wanted a hug too. In fact she’d grabbed a hug, saying as she forced herself into my arms. “Oh my God, we are about to become sisters—we will be like twins, being the same age and all.”
And what did I do? Slap that stupid smile off her face? Of course not. I was tempted but I resisted temptation. Instead I smiled and nodded in agreement, hugging her back with feigned warmth.
That was my new Modus Operandi—carry out your war plans in secret and smile and laugh in public. Gbam!
As soon as they left of course, I hastened to my room to begin the Operation scatter this wedding plan. Twins kò, triplets ni. Odiegwu!
I had only one month to accomplish my plans so I made sure it was a think-fast, work-even-faster approach.
To begin with, I latched onto my soon-to-be stepmother like a lost-and-found treasure. I literally volunteered to be her girl Friday. I was there to do whatever she needed to be done and even those things she didn’t need to be done. As we planned and prepared, I carried out my secret plans every chance I got.
My first major hit was taking the wedding budget money my money-miss-road father had given her.
Hey, don’t any of you start thinking I stole that money o. Because I didn’t even use it on myself. I generously shared the money out to beggars I found around the neighbourhood. Like Robin Hood, abi? Ehen!
But as that didn’t work—after Stepmum-to-be cried her eyes out, super-rich daddy replaced the money one time—so, I tried a little case of food poisoning.
I got just a little drop of otapiapia and put it in Daniella’s food…
Hey, wait a moment. I can see the way your eyes are nearly popping out of your head… I didn’t want to kill her o. I just wanted to maybe delay the wedding a little, so as to give me time to find a way to permanently stop the wedding. Ehen, so take it easy with the self-righteous judgmental looks, oh. After all, as they say—all is fair in love and war.
And this is war.
Anyway, needless to say that that didn’t work either. The stupid girl only spent a night in the hospital and all the stupid doctor could say was—‘I think she might have eaten something that upset her stomach’.
Stupid doctor. Stomach upset indeed!
Well, I was becoming desperate as the wedding was then a few days away, so I hatched my next plan, which was a complete waste of effort. I burned my bridesmaid gown with pressing iron.
I call it a waste of effort and time because if I had not been desperate I would have realized that daddy could easily buy a new one… which of course he did. And even when I mistakenly fell down with the cooler of fried meat and inadvertedly spilled everything on the ground the eve of the wedding, daddy had quickly ordered that another cow be slaughtered that very night, skinned, seasoned, cooked and fried.
Now the D-day was here. And I didn’t know what else to do.
Kai! Have I really failed? I shook my head in pain as I stood in my room. So this people would be allowed to invade my life and my world? Chei!
Daniella burst into my room, without knocking of course. I blame my father, instead of the move in one month’s time, he’d invited them to move in a week ago—to help make the preparations for the wedding easier. As if!
“Ada, what are you still doing here?” Daniella asked smiling from ear to ear. “It’s time for mummy to start dressing. In fact I’m just on my way to the guest room to pick up her wedding gown.”
The wedding gown?
“Err… Daniella, why don’t you take this pair of slippers to Nmaa,” referring to my grandmother, “she asked me to clean them for her.” I quickly pushed the slippers into Daniella’s hands. “I’ll go get the gown and take it to Aunty’s room.”
“Oh but she asked me to…”
I hastily interrupted. “Oh please, allow me to take it to her, please?” I tried my most persuasive smile. “I really want to help her dress up.”
Daniella smiled. “Oh, okay. I’ll meet you in the room, so we can both help her dress up.” Bustling with excitement, she hustled out of the room with the white slippers in her hands.
I pursed my lips. The wedding gown. Hmm.